Monday, September 12, 2011

The Nicest, GROSSEST Thing Handy Man Ever Did For Me

Yes, this is DIY-related.

1) I'm breaking the swear barrier on the blog today.  It's necessary.  You'll see why.  

2) This story involves SHIT.  Yes, crapola.  Poop.  Feces.  Put down that snack you're eating.  You'll thank me later. 

It was the late 1990s.  We were married, and living in our first home.  It was built before 1850, and needed work.  A lot of work.  We started right away.  The day we closed on the house, we started peeling wallpaper in the living room. 

Old houses have odd floor plans.  The one and only bathroom in the house was right off the kitchen.  Old home builders liked to keep all the plumbing as close together as possible, for the sake of practicality.  Not pleasant, but we planned to build a second bathroom upstairs, eventually. 

One weekend, I was taking a shower and Rob was in the basement.  He noticed that water was seeping from a crack in one of the pipes.  He thought that roots might be growing into the underground pipes.  This is a common problem with old city sewer pipes. 

As you know, Rob can fix just about anything, but even he couldn’t fix this.  It was time to call someone.  I went to work the day of the appointment.  He took the day off.

The guy came in the morning.  He was one of those roto-rooter type guys that does sewer work.

Rob tells the guy he can’t do the job in the basement because there was no clean out.   A clean out is an area that forks off the main pipe.  It has a cap on it, and you can unscrew it to have access to the sewer line.   
One of these would have been nice.
When Rob told the guy there was no clean out in the basement, they guy said:

“Ohhhhh noooooo.”

Oh yes.  Bad news.

Rob had to take the toilet off the floor so the guy would have room to work.

The guy plugs the machine into the wall, and turns it on.
This is kind of what it looks like.
This contraption has a long “snake,” and a blade on the end that snakes down the terlet hole to cut up roots.  He turned on the machine and the blade started spinning. The guy pushed the snake down while it was spinning.  After about 30-45 minutes, he finished. 

When the guy was satisfied that all the roots were broken up, and the water was draining correctly, he reversed the direction of the spin on the snake, and wound it back in. 

As he was coiling up the snake, it spun, throwing sewage and shitty water all over the bathroom.  The walls, the window.  The floor, the sink. The medicine cabinet.  It was covered in my shit, Rob’s shit.  Probably our neighbors’ shit, for all I know.

There was shit spray in part the kitchen, near the bathroom, too.  It was a brown, disgusting, stinky mess.

The guy actually apologized to Rob for the mess.  (And no, cleaning it up was not part of the guy’s job.  Funny how that works.)

The only thing that didn’t get sprayed in the bathroom were the ceilings, because they were 9 1/2 feet high.  Rob used multiple rags, bleach and windex to clean it up. 

He said he had to go outside for air a few times.

He also said that it felt like he cleaned for hours.

He told me that his one and only focus that day was to clean up that shitty mess so I wouldn’t have to.  He thought I’d die if I saw it, or had to smell or touch any of it.

I called him around lunch time from work to see how it was going. 

“I’m just cleaning up now,” he said.  His voice sounded funny. 

“Everything okay?” I asked. 

“Yep.  Gotta go.  Talk to you later!”

Something’s up, I thought.  But what could I do?  I was at work, and he was at home. He was taking care of it.  I went back to work.  I came home around 4:30 and breezed into the kitchen. 

“Everything looks fine now,” I said, looking at the bathroom.  Everything looked sparkling clean, and the kitchen and bathroom smelled like bleach.

But it was NOT fine.  Oh no, it was NOT.  He told me what happened.  I couldn’t believe it.  Naaaaasty!! Ewwwww!!  There was SHIT WATER all over my bathroom, and part of my kitchen.

Ewww, ewww, ewww.

(I can just hear all our relatives and friends who have eaten in that kitchen, and used that bathroom, collectively retching into their trash cans.  Sorry, everyone.  We thought it best not to tell you.)

I glanced down at Rob’s clothes.  “You changed.”

“OH yes.”

“So I guess you took a shower?” 

“How do you think I cleaned out the bathtub?” he asked.


I was afraid to sit down on the toilet, but I had to pee.  He really did a great job cleaning it all up, but the mere thought of it was just disgusting beyond belief.  I sat on the toilet, and looked in front of me at the toilet paper holder.  I was about to reach out and grab some toilet paper when I saw it.

I saw a very small piece of brown, smeared poo underneath the toilet paper holder.

Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn’t help myself.

I finished going to the bathroom, and came out and said: “You missed a spot.”
He looked at me kinda like this.

Our anniversary is next week.  Fourteen years.

Over the years, Handy Man has bought me cards.  Flowers.  Jewelry.  All kinds of presents.  He even bought me my first ever brand new car.  He opens doors and jars for me.  Kills spiders.  Lifts heavy stuff.

But the nicest thing he ever, ever did for me was to clean up that stinky, nasty, disgusting mess, so I didn’t have to.

Now that’s love.

Thank you, Rob, for cleaning up that shit for me!

Happy Anniversary!  I love you!


Tiffany said...

Love this! Too funny. Thanks for sharing.

Brenda said...

how funny is it that I saw the little pic on FB and knew that was a clean out LOL! I'm married to a plumber so I get to clean that smell out of his clothes way more than I care to. One time though, he was hooking up lines to the septic truck and the pump was reversed--he got a shit shower. Thank goodness he threw away those clothes because there is no way they were going to be washed in my washing machine!!

Bethany @ A Fish Who Likes Flowers said...

OMG... I'm sorry, but this post is hilarious! And that handy man of yours is definitely a keeper. It's not the flowers, candy and gifts that a woman remembers, it's the nice things, big or small, that make all the difference in the world. Happy anniversary and best wishes for many more!

Amanda said...

My goodness, just what I needed to start my Monday off with a giggle! You know you have a keeper when they do things like that for you!

Scrappy Gal said...

He had and always will do anything for you..but I would have contacted the company about their workers mess he so kindly left for him to clean up. Not cool!! Unless, there was some sort of paper he signed stating that could happen???

Marcia said...

This is so perfect. Made me laugh out loud! I've said it many times, but I'll say it again, YOU, my dear, have a keeper!

Julie said...

Brilliance! I needed a good laugh this morning - he has raised the bar on the meaning of true love - and cleanliness!

Marianne said...

That is the most romantic anniversary post I've ever read!
What a heroic hubby!

GunnyMom said...

Happy Anniversary. Rob is a very special gentleman. He's a keeper.
Be happy and never forget to laugh and daily tell each other how much you love each other.

Grammy Goodwill said...

Ew, Ew, Ew!!! Your poor hubby. Happy Anniversary to you both.

Michelle In MI said...

I LOVE IT! Rob's a keeper for sure!!

Untypically Jia said...

Oh good gravy.

That's the most horrific thing I've ever read. What a shitty blog post (ba dun bum!) LMAO

Okay seriously, if that happened at our house, Matt would totally start puking and I'd have to clean up the puke AND the shit myself. You lucked out majorly!

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

Scrappy Gal, Rob said that it was in the paperwork that the guy was NOT to clean up the mess. He was only there to clean out the pipes. Great, huh?

Tanya Anurag said...

You have such a darling husband :) Cleaning up the mess was possibly the best thing he could have done but gross it would have been for him! Poor guy!

A very Happy Anniversary to both of you :)

labbie1 said...

It is that kind of thoughtfulness AND the sense of humor that will make your anniversary wonderful and all the anniversaries to come! Hope you had a great day! (still laughing and gagging! LOL)

Elisabethann/Kathleen said...

Thanks for sending me the link - you were right. It was so funny. Great way to start the day - with a laugh!

Hollster Top said...

Bahahahahahaha! This is the best story ever! Thanks for sharing!

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